7 Harmful Things People Say to Abuse Victims — And What to Say Instead
When someone trusts you enough to share their story of abuse, how you respond matters. Your words can be a bridge to healing — or a fresh wound. Unfortunately, many common phrases, even those said with kindness, end up dismissing or invalidating a survivor’s pain.
Let’s unpack seven phrases to avoid — and offer trauma-informed, supportive alternatives that foster trust, compassion, and true connection.
Why Words Matter When Supporting Abuse Survivors
Survivors often carry layers of shame, confusion, and self-blame. What you say in those fragile moments can either reinforce those internal battles or help dismantle them. Being trauma-informed isn’t about saying all the right things — it’s about stopping to think before you speak.
1. “Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”
Why It Hurts: Shifts Blame and Ignores Complexity
This question suggests that leaving was easy and the survivor chose to stay. It overlooks how abusers use fear, financial control, threats, and emotional manipulation to trap victims.
Many survivors tried to leave. Many feared for their lives if they did.
What to Say Instead:
- “What helped you get through it?”
- “I’m so glad you’re here now. How can I support you today?”
2. “It’s Not All Bad”
Why It Hurts: Minimizes the Pain
This phrase downplays the abuse by pointing out “good moments.” But abuse isn’t cancelled out by occasional kindness — in fact, abusers often use good moments to create confusion and false hope.
It invalidates pain and implies survivors are overreacting.
What to Say Instead:
- “Your pain matters. What you went through wasn’t okay.”
- “You deserved to be safe — all the time, not just sometimes.”
3. “At Least They Didn’t…”
Why It Hurts: Compares Trauma and Invalidates
“Comparison” language — like “At least they didn’t hit you” — sets up a hierarchy of abuse that invalidates emotional, verbal, or financial abuse. But all forms of abuse are real — and all can be deeply damaging.
What to Say Instead:
- “No one deserves to be treated like that.”
- “I believe you. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
4. “I Don’t Think They Meant to Hurt You”
Why It Hurts: Focuses on Intent Instead of Impact
Maybe you’re trying to see the best in people. But saying this centers the abuser’s intent instead of the survivor’s experience. Abuse is defined by impact — not intention.
What to Say Instead:
- “What they did was wrong. You didn’t deserve that.”
- “You’re not overreacting. It was abuse.”
5. “Did You Do Something to Cause It?”
Why It Hurts: Fuels Guilt and Shame
This question implies the abuse was a response — not a choice made by the abuser. Survivors already struggle with self-blame. This kind of questioning only deepens that pain.
What to Say Instead:
- “It’s not your fault. Say that again — and believe it.”
- “Nothing justifies what they did to you.”
6. “At Least It’s Over Now”
Why It Hurts: Dismisses Ongoing Trauma
Leaving the abuser doesn’t end the trauma. Survivors may still be haunted by flashbacks, triggers, or the mental scars of control and fear.
Saying this can feel like, “Get over it already.”
What to Say Instead:
- “Healing takes time. I’m here for you wherever you’re at.”
- “I know it’s not over just because it ended.”
7. “It’s Better to Forgive and Forget”
Why It Hurts: Pressures Survivors to Rush Healing
Forgiveness is a personal process, not a prerequisite. Survivors should never feel pressured to “let go” for someone else’s comfort. Anger, grief, and boundaries are valid steps in healing.
What to Say Instead:
- “Healing looks different for everyone. What feels right for you?”
- “Take all the time you need. You’re not on a clock.”
Final Thoughts: Lead With Listening, Not Fixing
Abuse survivors don’t need perfect advice — they need presence.
Don’t try to solve their pain. Just believe them, validate them, and stand beside them. If you're not sure what to say, try this:
“Thank you for trusting me. I’m here for you.”
The safest spaces are built not with solutions — but with compassion and care. Choose your words like they’re medicine. Because for someone in pain, they just might be.